Happy Anniversary to Us!

Posted by johngl

On this date in history quite a number of important life events — for me anyway — occurred:

  • 21 years ago, Most Glorious Spousal Unit and I became a legally sanctioned Mrs & Mr Most Glorious Spousal Units
  • 8 years ago, I began work in the MMORPG world which changed my career path completely
  • 5 years ago, my Russian (now American) friend Maksim and I launched the Alcoholian
  • 1 year ago, most glorious spousal unit and I celebrated 20 years of shared life experiences and I finally completed my life-long quest to visit all 50 States of the USA (Hawaii)

September 13 appears to be a great day!

Happy Day! (JohnGL of Alcoholian fame, delirious with joy!)

Most Interesting … Contest!

Posted by johngl

I’m normally not real big on contests, but I was inspired by a friend and former co-worker (a guy named John) when he posted a comment on facebook.

Most Interesting Man in the World Least Interesting Man in the World

So, here’s the offer:  I will send the winner of this contest $25 in cold, hard cash. Second place gets $10.  Third gets nothing because, well, nobody cares.

Most Glorious Spousal Unit will be doing the judging, selecting, and whatever else it takes to determine who the winner is.

The objective: I’m looking for the best one liners in the vein of the Most Interesting Man in the World Dos Equis commercials.  You know, like, “He lives vicariously…through himself” and “He once made a mistake… just to see what it was like.”

For this contest, I’m looking for stuff more like this: He once farted in the tub…just to see if it sounded smarter than Rick Perry (It did). Or perhaps: He once did Sarah Palin. That’s right, you heard me.

You are smart people, so I’m sure you can come up with something funny, totally stupid, or even apropos. The contest will end in a couple of weeks, so get your entries in soon.  Just post a comment on the Alcoholian’s facebook page (click “Like” if you’re not already a fan), leave a comment right here, or hit my wall on facebook.

Update 9/03:  Entries thus far…

Older women claim to be his mother-in-law…though he’s never been married

He did not have sexual relations with that woman…but ask him where his cigar has been

Actually, he DID have sexual relations with that woman.

Even his non-sexual relations with women make the front page of tabloids…

You know that photo? Michelle Bachmann was looking at HIM.

He once sous vide-ed himself at an exact 98.6 degrees just to see what it was like…He lived forever…

He was seen having a Pina Colada at Trader Vic’s. His hair was perfect.

He once wore a kilt. It was too short.

He talked to God. She was overcome with emotion.

The value of his kidney stones affect world markets

After a colonoscopy, the doctor pays him!

He makes the most interesting man in the world seem like PeeWee Herman

He once travelled to and explored the Virgin Islands, when he left they were just “The Islands.”

He doesn’t water his grass. He stands on his front porch and says, “Grow.”

He doesn’t always eat meat, but when he does – it’s SPAM! Stay hungry, my friends

When a pic of HIS “package” hit the internet, he was elected to Congress

His other car is the Weinermobile

He thought he was a man, but he was a muffin

I am not that clever!

An erection lasting more than four hours is no reason to call his doctor

He once made love to George W. Bush…and it was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen.*
*adapted from a Bill Brasky skit.

He once cooked a five-course meal using only Devilled Ham and a cheap balsamic vinaigrette. He received his second Michelin star.

Fish queue up to be his sushi

He has more Facebook friends than there are people on Facebook.

A bird in his hand is worth four in the bush.

Quest for the Holy Grail

Posted by johngl

In case you are wondering about the dearth of posts lately, I have spent the last two weekends (and, subsequently, the week between) in and about Brighton, Sussex, UK. Since I do my posts — and most of my cooking — on weekends, this has put a rather severe crimp on my blogging style.

And so it came to pass that some friends of mine here in the UK took pity upon my sad and lonely self and offered to take me on a bit of an adventure to Lewes (pronounced: Lew – es by the locals).

Battle of Lewes Memorial.  The battle took place in 1264

Half expecting a silly-walking gaggle of comedic soldiers using coconuts to emulate the sound of galloping steeds to appear out of the countryside, we paraded ourselves through the ruins of the Lewes Priory (Priory of Pancras), established sometime between 1078 and 1082 by William de Warenne, a leading Norman baron with extensive lands in Sussex. The priory went on to become one of the wealthiest monasteries in England.

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Grow your own…meat?

posted by johngl

Since I’ve put in a hundred hour work-week, I didn’t get a chance to cook at all (and barely had any time to eat), so I was in a quandary as to what to post.  Luckily, a member of my crew (the best group of people ever) sent me this really strange post:

This thing takes absurdity to a whole new level.  The claim is that it will grow meat.

No joke.

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Sparky Hoover, Cosmonaut, Becomes US Citizen!

Posted by johngl

Break out the band and sound the trumpets!  Wave some banners!  Have a drink and eat some food!  My friend and Alcoholian’s founding father, Max K, now known by his wholly American name of Sparky Hoover, has jumped through all the hoops and become a citizen of the good ole US of A.  w00t!

He looks pretty happy here, don’t you think?  After more than a decade of US residency, it is about damn time he legally became one of us!

Last night, the old Spark-man graced us with his cosmic (or is that comic?) presence at Fish CIty Grill, housed in the Triangle right here in Austin, TX, the location chosen by the cosmonaut himself.

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Will Wine For Food

Posted by johngl

Halloween marks the beginning of the Holiday Season for me.  How does it sneak up on us like this?  I haven’t even carved a pumpkin yet.  Even so, there are cranberries and recipes for roast turkey all over the place.  And you can actually buy real caviar at Costco again.  Champagne displays are everywhere begging you to Stock Up Now! (as though they’ll run out).

Here in Austin, the Holiday Season is a time of year when it’s actually cool enough to want to wear clothes. It’s almost cool enough to classify as a Midwestern Summer. It is also a time of year when friends start sending emails with subject lines innocently resembling “Holiday Dinner” or “Let’s get together!”

When I see these begin to scroll into my inbox, I can just feel my adrenal glands kicking into overdrive. Double-clicking the line, I turn my head, just a bit to the side, and maybe even wince a little; I never really know what to expect. Frequently, it’s an invitation.  To cook.

You see, I have this uncanny ability to not burn water.  I am also a bit of wino. This makes for an interesting combination.  My friends, many of whom collect wine and have a nice variety in their cellars, tell me I have the gift.  In reality, I have the weakness:  I actually like standing in front of a stove full of blazingly hot cast iron with hot fat spattering and burning pin holes in my (oh so) delicate skin and enjoy the excitement of cognac fired flames searing off my eyebrows.  It awakens my inner cave man.  Oh yeah!

This weakness follows me around like a dark cloud.  I can’t seem to go anywhere without someone asking me to cook something.

Take this guy for instance; I found him standing next to a bridge.  He offered me some of his wine if I would cook for him.

That is the trigger.  Wine. Without missing a beat, I asked, “Whatcha got?”

“An ’82 Latour, it’s over here in my cellar.  I’ve been saving it.”  He pointed under the bridge, then added, “Will that go with venison? A kid in a Mustang clipped a big buck a couple of hours ago.  It’s over there, hanging in my cooler,” gesturing behind him again.

“How would you like that prepared?”  I suddenly shift into knowledgeable cook mode. “We could do some Venison Backstrap Pepper Steak Medallions with Anise Basil Butter.  Or Vension Shank Osso Bucco. Or Pan-Seared Spiced Venison Sirloin with Red-Cabbage Confit and a Bordelaise Sauce.”  I looked at my new buddy wistfully, my mouth salivating with the thoughts of these epicurean delights.  And the ’82 Latour.

“Can you do all that over a campfire? I’ve got a 22″ paella pan if you need it.”

I headed over to the car and pulled out my knife roll.

Okay, so I made most of this up.  However, my friends and I do have a really great arrangement: they have huge cellars over-stuffed with hundreds (if not thousands) of bottles of really great wine.  And I am just a guy who likes to cook, especially around the holidays. Let the fun begin!